Poetry Writing as Drag Dancing

I have so much negativity about my writing and my poetry!

I persuade myself that I can neither sell my self-published books nor give them away.

So, creating them seems futile.

On the other hand, poetry has been my life--poetry and autoerotic pleasure.

My autoeroticism is something I might share only as a drag dancer. 

I have poems in which I imagine making pornographic videos of myself and selling foot selfies.

But I don't have the courage to be a drag dancer--my family and my bashfulness prevent drag dancing from being an option for me, except in autoerotic fantasy.

Drag dancing is normally for others, whereas autoeroticism by definition is for oneself.

Possibly someone will get off on watching me watch myself drag dance, but my dancing is really only for my own pleasure.

Every day when I take a walk in cutoffs and sandals, I'm my own delighted drag audience. I don't need others to appreciate me to enjoy myself.

When I perform my poetry (rarely) and music, I wear the same cutoffs and sandals--so in a sense I am drag dancing, but I don't know if my audience perceives me that way. 

And, I ask defensively, what's wrong with my poetry being a mode of autoerotic drag dancing? 

Nothing! I reply--only it's a bit lonely, and in today's political climate it feels risky.

In my poetry, though, and even in my autoerotic daily life, I'm not really dancing alone.

I'm dancing with my soul--Calarel the fairy elf, playing rhythm on their beat box!

Poetry lets me play with the fairy elf and be the fairy elf.

Others can watch if they want, but I won't ask them to.

I write love poems to the fairy elf (myself).

In spite of all my whining, I can make books and give them to people if I want, but sharing with others is not necessary to make my drag performance satisfying for myself. 

My therapist has suggested to me the interesting project of selling my books for a donation for GLBT rights and protection--such as the Reclaim organization that Nora Cox and I donated to back in 2016. 

I could even ask poets in the community for poems that are queerly sexy and make an anthology to sell for a donation to Reclaim.

Such a project would give my work an altruistic aspect--well worth considering and pursuing -- but I want to believe that making sexy poem books and singing sexy songs for myself only is enough. 

Well, that's what I do!




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